Nathan Hall in the U.S. South July 2000

My American Odyssey has continued to be pretty fascinating. Last Friday we travelled 300 miles south to a resort town called Cocoa Beach. On the way down we saw some fascinating stuff. How about real tobacco fields? The plants looked a little like Sprouts crossed with Rhubarb. (Homer Simpson: Mmmmm! Sprouts and Rhubarb!) When the crop is picked they have to use gas driers on them to turn them golden and smokable. Of course it hasn't helped the industry that the Supreme Court has just awarded 145 BILLION DOLLARS against it in a huge civil court case. That'll learn 'em! The deceitful gits! (Signed, A hypocrite)

Another strange and disconcerting sight was the number of utterly destroyed car tyres strewn along the sides of the road. These are tyres that have ripped themselves completely apart in a blow out while the car is in fast motion, flown off the car wheel, and been left lying on the road in a long strip resembling an alligator's tail. How the hell would you control a fast moving car in that situation? Išve never seen that in Britain.

The billboards along the way were quite striking, bearing giant painted Snow White Dwarves, Manatees, Flying Cows and Burgers. You know -- the usual stuff!?

To get to Cocoa Beach you have to pass through Orlando, but mercifully we saw neither beak not snout of Disneyworld! We did manage to pass through 5 tollgates in 15 minutes however, so we didn't pass through the area entirely unmolested!

Needless to say, the weather was on the whole pretty glorious. Cocoa Beach itself was all white sand, scalding sun, Palm trees and crystal water -- a bit like Penamaenmawr, come to think of it...

Anyway...

There weren't many bars in Cocoa Beach but we did stumble across a -- -- Please God No! -- Irish Bar!!! Called Paddy Cassidy's Irish Pub. Niiiice toooouch! (!) It was about as authentically Irish as an Armadillo's arse! Two pints in that place cost $8: 50. I affectionately re-named it the "Shameless Shamrock", but the barman didn't see the funny side and I was ejected with extreme force by two brutes in Leprechauun Costumes. I awoke to find myself on a slow boat bound for Gautemala, tied to a one armed pygmy called Pedro. Actually that last bit is made up -- but it could have happened...(Allow time for reader to think about this last profundity)...What was amusing was hearing the Irish Band playing traditional tunes and then breaking out into a Southern twang between songs that was so thick and strong it could withstand the foot stamping fits of a petulant adolescent brontasaurus just after it's been informed for the fifth and final time by it's parents that no, it definately cannot have a pocket money raise.

The next day was pretty mindblowing because, of course, Cocoa Beach is mere miles from Cape Canaveral and the Kennedy Space Centre. So off we went and spent 7 hours doing the tours and seeing absolutely every last thing there was to see. We saw

1) the Space Shuttle launch pad!

2) the gargantuan building where they assemble and maintain various flying thingies -- it had an American flag painted on it's side the size of a football pitch!

3) The vehicle that takes the shuttle to the launch pad -- 50 gallons per mile -- 1 mile per hour -- and 4 humungous caterpillar tracks -- each one had 57 metal slats on it it. Each slat weighs a ton. (Hey! I know my Stats!)

4) We saw the Saturn 5 rocket suspended from the ceiling and separated out into its various sections -- hundreds of feet long. What was so incredible was that at the tip of this giant structure was the capsule where the astronauts sat. If you imagine 3 small chairs in a row -- the one in the middle facing the opposite direction from the other two -- that was basically all the room they had -- absolutely crammed in together like fish in a tin. And sat on top of the worlds biggest petrol bomb, figuratively speaking. Having given it much thought, I've come to the conclusion that they were a teensy weensy bit braver than the average person. I'm clever like that.

5) We learnt about Apollo 1 exploding on the launch pad -- mercifully you don't get to hear the tapes of the astronauts during this inferno -- horrendous, no doubt.

6) Perhaps the most awe inspiring sight was the finally recovered Liberty Bell 7 capsule. In 1961, having completed a manned rocket flight the capsule had fallen into the ocean and the door had blown prematurely, and the astronaut Gus Grissom got out, struggling to stay afloat, while NASA helicopters and personnel paid more attention to trying to retrieve the capsule than him. He was rescued, and the capsule sank 3 miles down, and lay there for 38 years. And then they located it and brought it back up, with all these artefacts semi-intact inside it -- like antibiotic pills, a knife, and coins he'd taken up so that he could give them as momentoes to his family when he got back. To see the capsule after it had lain substantially deeper than the Titanic for all those years was as I say quite moving. Especially when you consider that the astronaut was Grissom who later died so horribly on the lauch pad in Apollo 1. What was so awful is that his competence and courage were called into question -- did he blow the door prematurely? He always maintained that it misfired and he had no option but to get out before the capsule filled with water.

We also saw the huge astronaut monument, including the names of the Challenger Shuttle Crew of 1986. I'd for gotten that 7 of them were killed.

Then after all that we had a curry and watched the worst film in the entire universe on cable TV -- "The Postman" starring Kevin Costner in a post apocalyptic pile of self regarding, ego massaging poo. It went on for 3 hours plus. With nary a plot nor a point to be seen! For the love of God, nooooooooooooooooooo! Didnšt he learn his lesson after Waterworld, his 200 million dollar previous ego massaging big bloated turkey? But it was a means to an end -- to get us drowsy so that we could get up at 4:45 am sunday morning! Why? To watch a rocket launch from nearby Cape Canaveral! I have to say that I wasn't that keen on getting up so early, as I'd had rockets all day and I was knackered. Basically I was being a lazy bastard. However, at 4:45 the hotel electronic alarm went off with a noise akin to the horn blast of an ocean liner hoving into port and I awoke with a scream of "Jesus Chriiiiiiist!" like Edward Woodward in the harrowing human sacrifice finale of The Wicker Man.

We made our way sleepily to the beach by the hotel. It was still dark, and the palm trees were swaying about and the crickets were chirping away, and the stars were twinkling, and the white sand was warm, and the crystal clear water broke gently on the shore (yet still my heart sung for merry Cardiff. Yeah, right!). We sat on the beach and looked out towards Cape Canaveral and waited for the launch. I was still half asleep and sort of wondering what it was all about. Quietly more people arrived behind us in the dark and sat about in circles and talked softly, as the anticipation built up. Miles out to sea was a huge pleasure cruiser completely covered in lights (possibly a gambling ship) -- a very surreal sight. And then it happened. A spectacular light and massive illuminated burning clouds cascading off the launch pad and people cheering as this huge rocket took off and blasted into the watery blue, star speckled, Night Sky! Wooooow! And the noise was just incredible -- a constant thunderous rumble like a distant volcano erupting. And the trajectory was so strange -- not straight up but across, over the ocean, and debris fell from it and sparkled orange for what seemed like minutes before blinking out. And then the rocket slowly became a slow point of light and disappeared into the stratosphere. Faaaaar out! It was absolutely amazing.

On Sunday, we took the scenic route back to Tallahassee. We stopped off at Daytona beach (as you do) and I paddled about a bit in incredibly clean water and white sands. It was a scorching white out day -- and there were pretty people and dune buggies and Baywatch type coast guard huts and i kept thinking what the hell am I doing here -- I herald from the land of rain and more pissing rain (and just when you're on the verge of rasing your fist to the sky in anguish and bellowing "Fuuuuuuuucking rain! Shove it up your f'ing ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSE"...the clouds titter amongst themselves and drop more fucking rain!)

I kept expecting to be rumbled by some fascist Stepford Wives/Logan's Run/Invaders of the Body Snatchers type Beach Beauties coming up to me and pointing and saying "Heeey! What the? He's not one of us! He doesn't belong here, with his white legs and waterlogged Cardiffian ways. Go back to Cardiff and the land of white legs, White Legs! Come Golden Ones slay this pale skinned freak for he has defiled the Beach of Beauty!" Ominous Crowd gathers and chants together: "Death to Mutant Legs! He must go ! Death to Mutant Legs! He must go!"

In other words I felt a bit out of place.

As we pulled out of Daytona beach we saw the "Heaven on Earth" prayer bus! We did not board it.

On the way back to Tallahassee we saw a most wondrously strange sight. It was in a small town with road side stalls adjoining a great Southern Style yellow wood frame house with porch. The heat was incredible and the crickets and frogs were on boisterous form. On the stalls they sold a large selection of citrus fruits and hot boiled peanuts. Fine. Fine. But...they also sold 3 feet high Mexican Mariachi Bands sculpted from scrap metal! And full size suits of armour! And giant Moon and Sun faces sat in the roots of neighbouring trees, as if they'd fallen out of the sky after a feud in some ancient legend. Of course! What a logical combination! "I'm just popping out love -- to buy some oranges, nuts...oh and a suit of medieval armour, and perhaps a South American guitarist fashioned from finest tin, gibber, wibble, foam!" What an incredible place. I took loads of pictures! Just in case you don't believe me, like!

Back on the road, (how long have i wanted to say that for?) another great sight was very understated in comparison. Lots of signs -- metal yellow diamond shaped signs as we went near a national forest. There were no words on the signs -- just the silhouette of a bear! Totally matter of fact. Black bears! Unreal! Of course we didn't see one, but ridiculously coincidentally, first thing this morning, the paper Lori works for carried a story of local residents near the forest having had a run in with such a bear that day, when it leapt over fences to eat their goats! Jesus!

Finally, having been subjected to such incredible good weather, a yin and yang scenario arises. Action and reaction! The ups and the downs! The rough with the smooth! For each smile a tear! Oh yes. In spades sucker! On the way back we entered the most cataclysmic (30 mile long!!!!) storm I have ever experienced. Terrifying malevolent black clouds which completely blotted out the sun and made it seem like night time. Rain so hard it felt like it would shatter the windscreen. Enormous, violent incandescent bolts of lightning every few seconds, which did not fart about up in the clouds but STRUCK THE GROUND IN THE AREA ALL AROUND US, cracking trees and apparently killing one man. Apparently a few months supply of rain fell during the hours the storm lasted. It was really very scary. I'm not kidding. My heart was beating so fast I'm surprised it didn't just burst out through my rib cage prise the car window open and hit the highway yelling "Sorry about this buddy -- we've had some good times and all, there ain't no denying that, but I ain't hanging around here like no sitting turkey to get basted and fried. Later, bub!"

Eventually we came out of it and it was blue skies all the way back to Tallahassee. Huzzah!

Well, er, that's it for now!

See you.

Nathan.

P.S. On Friday we're going to Athens, Georgia!